This Is Not Closure
I signed the papers to have my mother’s other son admitted
into Bronx State Mental Hospital. He’s in bad shape, said a doctor as we
watched orderlies move him on his feet slow as a snail. His face was frozen
with a grimace of a fallen stone gargoyle and eyes an abyss of the demons Schizophrenia
aided and abetted by Crack. He stared at us until he passed out of view. I
heard the doctor’s voice in my head over and over again.
He’s in bad shape.
At the hospital, I sat on a bench and looked into the
mystery of the forest. I now see the stars and the fireflies as symbols of The
Wonder Years. I’m inside my brain that
he tried to smash with a bat while I slept in bed. Unlike Abel killed by Cain
for being thoughtful in his dreams, I felt the fires of his jealousies enter
the room before he kicked down the door just like his father used to do in a
drunken rage. The king of mental illness
is dead but the abuse on me in childhood was to be continued. His son relished
his inheritance from his god, his sire long rotted away in his grave nearby a
castle by an ocean.
In a binary star system, one sun imploded and became a black
hole that relentlessly tries to pull the starlight of the other into
darkness. I am the accountant of my own
9/11. I’ve been attacked over and over again. I draw out venom and stitch
wounds with words.
This is not closure
The woman who said she’s my mother finally uprooted herself
from a windowsill with the view of a funeral parlor and disappeared. Hours
later, she came back with her son who looked like the devil from an old black
and white Twilight Zone episode.
He and her and the city of New York has been killing me ever
since. I’m scared not to know if I can ever heal from loss, what could have
been my American Dream.
I was happier in New Hampshire, The Live Free Or Die State.
I’m going to die to get freedom
To be or not to be…
To be continued…
Vast Wasteland To Vast Wasteland: An Essay By Images And
Painting By Words
By Danny Aponte
formerly of P.S 161
Copyrighted by Daniel Angel Aponte
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